There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. —Nelson Mandela
Settling. You see, it's a sneaky little devil. It creeps up on us without warning, whispering sweet promises of comfort and ease. Sometimes it’s just fine to accept what is available. Sometimes it’s very costly to settle for less than we wanted. Acceptance, after all, feels better than resistance, right? Not always. Especially when settling compromises our core values and leaves us drowning in regret and despair.
If we settle for something that is “good enough” instead of our “heart’s desire” we are sending ourselves some very negative sticky messages; things like “I don’t matter,” “I don’t deserve,” or “I can’t.” If the issue is what I’m having for breakfast, settling isn’t going to have a long-term effect. If it’s something that you truly care about and it will have a long term effect on you, like, say, your next car, it does matter. I can’t say what those things are for you, but for me they are things like spirituality, relationships, books, and guitars.
If we settle for something that is “good enough” instead of our “heart’s desire” we are sending ourselves some very negative sticky messages.
And those things that we settle on that have a long-term effect create interesting anchors in our lives. In my life and in the life of my friends and clients I have observed people settling on which university to go to, which tool to purchase (as a side note, this is particularly interesting to me. For many, tools are used to generate income whether it’s a screwdriver, a computer, or a musical instrument. Mostly because of price shock we settle for something other than what we really want.), the job offers we accept, and even who to marry.
Let me tell you about Diana. She refused to settle on her piano. What she wanted, what she dreamed about, was having baby grand piano. She had a place staked out for it in her living room.
She had a photograph of it. She knew exactly which the make and model she wanted. However, she didn’t have the money for it. And yet she was very clear on what she desired. Along came another piano. Someone had a nice upright piano they wanted to give her.
She thanked the person for their kind offer and said no. What Diana knew was that if she accepted the upright piano, she would never get the baby grand. The piano space in her house and the one in her heart would be filled with the upright. There would be no more room. And there would be the added complication of needing to get rid of the upright before she brought in the baby grand.
There is one caveat in not settling: sometimes it takes longer to get what you really want.
Sometimes you have to wait a while. Diana did. As I remember she waited a couple of years. And then she actually had it, the beautiful baby grand she wanted. I’ll wager you she got more joy out of playing that piano than she would have if she had settled for the free upright.
We regret when we settle, not when we hold out for what we truly want. How could you stop settling? How might that be?
I've always believed the greater danger is not aiming too high, but too low, settling for a bogey rather than shooting for an eagle. —Peter Scott
And beyond regretting, settling creates anchors that stick us in the mud. It’s almost as if with each act of settling a bit of our creative spirit dies. We settled on which university to attend. We settled for the first job that paid ok—even if it wasn’t what we really wanted to to. We might have settled on who to marry, or how many kids to have, or where to live, what house to buy, the car you drive. So much settling. It doesn’t take long to have a sense of despair around the things you settled on. More specifically, it’s despair around the difference between what you settled on and what your dream was.
Settling is related to the idea of “enough.” A few years ago I gave a presentation on Enough and how the pursuit of enough drains our creativity and drags us down with another anchor. Keep your eyes open for news about giving that presentation again.
In the meantime, start identifying some of your anchors. We can begin to get a peak under surface of what’s happening with you and money, and what some of those anchors might be if you take my FREE Money Relationship Quiz.
And let me know your thoughts on settling. What do you regret settling on?